Dear Dirty America

The first and fourth amendments don’t exist when the Secret Service (the SS) is involved. In fact, if you ever see Dick Cheney out at the old Choke and Puke making low growling sounds in his throat while he inhales a dripping greasy patty of beef, don’t you dare tell him his Iraq war policies are disgusting. You will get arrested by Cheney’s SS thugs. Your house will get overturned in an unlawful search and seizure, and to make matters worse, you will not be able to sue or bring the case to light because the courts will say the SS has immunity in such cases.

I made up the hamburger part, but the rest is real. Give us the ugly truth, Huff Post:

Two Secret Service agents on Thursday asked the Supreme Court to rule that they are immune from a lawsuit filed by a Colorado man who claims they violated his First Amendment rights when he was arrested for confronting then-Vice President Dick Cheney.

Steven Howards was arrested in the resort town of Beaver Creek in 2006 after he touched Cheney on the arm and told him his Iraq War policies were “disgusting.” The lawsuit claims that agents Virgil D. “Gus” Reichle Jr. and Dan Doyle arrested him in retaliation for criticizing Cheney.

Howards originally sued several agents, claiming they violated his Fourth Amendment protection against unreasonable search and seizure, as well as his right to free speech. The 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Denver ruled all the agents were immune on the Fourth Amendment claims, and that all the agents except Reichle and Doyle were immune on the free speech claim.

What would seem fitting from now on is that every disgusted American simply unlid their cup of hot coffee and, if the circumstances are right, throw it into the former Vice President’s face. He deserves it. He truly does.

As you’re getting tackled to the ground for assault on an immune war criminal, you can shout that you hated his new memoir and that it almost made your head explode!